@Aspersioncast: Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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@Dschnoeb: A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.
@SenseiSandwich: *draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma* lol you cant hang loser. passin out w/ shoes on? rookie "Sir please step away from the casket"
@AntiJokeTyrone: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
@Owl_Meat: [highspeed chase] ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they're getting away *turns on Siren* [several nearby ships are lured to their doom]