Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
How to draw a duck
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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