Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
become ungovernable
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Fiction has to make sense.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!