Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.