@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box
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@WilliamAder: While I fully intended to "sleep my way to the top," it appears I've napped my way to the middle.
@internetluke: [hears a baby crying on the train] Can somebody put that thing on silence please? "It's a baby.." ... "..." Vibrate?
@Home_Halfway: The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
@flashember: [Cop arresting a centipede] *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *opens crate of new handcuffs* *clink* *clink* *clin