@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son's lunch box
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@ohwrigley: Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
@Sickayduh: "911 what's your emergency?" - I've been catfished by a dozen men "We're on our way" - Gonna arrest them? "Gonna shut off your internet"
@TheRolo: "Dad this is serious I'm in jail" Hi serious this is dad "Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!" HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.