Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
2022 will be better than 2021
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce