@SmartassChef: Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes"
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@Bexdora: Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.
@psybermonkey: [Kids party] Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked? Me: yep [Backyard] Mortician: next we'll cut open the chest cavity like so...