“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
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wash our hands
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I could NOT have put it better myself.