Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?