As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A French press is when you hug naked
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.