Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
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Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Möther may I have a snäck
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”