For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
This checks out
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
i’m sure it’s fine
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones