Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise