nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)