Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal