Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.