Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
This came to me in a dream.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*