JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
That’s incredible! 👌
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
why isn’t he texting back
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.