Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Monday
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going