Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.