Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If a snake ate a cake
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them