Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Shoo shoo! 😂
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup