@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a store] Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses? *sunglasses loudly arguing about politics* Clerk: Well, they're polarized

@misfarber: *rearranges underwear drawer* Neighbor: the party's downstairs. Please get out of my room

@sara_ashlynn: Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

@beefman138: Historian : Rome wasn't built in a day. Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He's right, you know, it was built in Italy.