@Soberphobiccc: Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
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@ReeseButCallMeV: I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a store] Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses? *sunglasses loudly arguing about politics* Clerk: Well, they're polarized
@misfarber: *rearranges underwear drawer* Neighbor: the party's downstairs. Please get out of my room