Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
is this meant to deter me
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]