@Soberphobiccc: Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
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@ineedaballrub: I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
@brendohare: Well I'm not really sure why you put "Baby: Ages 0-6" on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
@Reverend_Scott: Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die.
@ariscott: Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.