5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!