@MenHumor: Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.
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@Reverend_Scott: [interview] Okay, don't let him know ur a vampire. "What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?" OH COME ON
@ScottLinnen: "Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years."
@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]