I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Cucumbers Anonymous
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.