God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature