ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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