Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
How animals would run if they were human
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.