A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
You Might Also Like
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry