nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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Tastes like chicken.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
How to draw a duck
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’