@KevinHart4real: Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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@rachel: ladies, if he: - never texts you back - always interjects with unsolicited advice - reads your personal documents - constantly tries to help you format paragraphs - is a sentient paper clip he’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant
@usermcuserface: Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
@AngryRaccoon2: (At concert) EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!! Me: Not a chance WAVE YOUR ARMS!! Me: Ridiculous OKAY YOU GUYS SING!! Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?