Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.