@Bearslietoo: Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
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@AndrewNadeau0: ME: So, where are the Hobbits? GUIDE: Again, that's Middle Earth. This is Central America. ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
@JasonCarney31: Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in "Damn it, c'mon, not again!" he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
@GibJimson: [at pet store] Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
@Yair_Rosenberg: Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn't do before. Like trolling the Nazis: