If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks