UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
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My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
every college guy’s fridge
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.