[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad