[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Not recommended for beginners.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings