Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I love the honesty
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.