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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off