Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
She was REALLY feeling it.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.