Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
2022 be like
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator