Morning.
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
time for some seasonal decor
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.