Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives