@trevso_electric: Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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@TheHyyyype: CONDUCTOR: all aboard! ME: i'm pretty bored CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train ME: oh, i'm sure they're bored too
@Underchilde: [As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad* "I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"