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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.