I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Just me?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey