[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
When your man makes a valid point
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.