Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.