Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
fixed it
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.