@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
@PhilJamesson: Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home! Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
@SarcasticAlly12: When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.