@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
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@patrickhogan91: 22 y.o. male seeks woman who will kill spiders for him. Will do sex if required, but mostly please kill spiders
@Fred_Delicious: Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve your type in here"
@joshgondelman: I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn't even know what year it is.