@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
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@iamrandomape: SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery [me 3 months later] I think he had a brewery
@NickMotown: I'm sure there'll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams' death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
@Kristen_R5: summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
@hunz74: I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.