That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.