COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Oh no
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday