My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Flock of bats
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h