Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too