@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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@Ristolable: Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
@KalvinMacleod: [pearly gates] ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven ME: ok ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns ME: abSOULutely *clouds turn to fire*
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."
@eyeswidebutt: me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED' thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit me: Bitey loves kids doe