@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]
@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
@3_livi: I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
@truegritrumble: ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly. PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance* ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.