@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
@PajamaBenLaden: *Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend." Me: "This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come when I call him."
@InsouciantMan: Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day. How do you apologize properly for something like that?