Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Attacked by a mop.